Wednesday, November 29, 2006

The Good, The Bad....The Weeks Recap

An overall intense week I'd have to say:

25th, Saturday - Our confession day - In hindsight, probably not a great idea to bring up my having been with other women, but I had decided that I wanted my, really, both of our sexual personalities to be completely transparent . We had had our State-of-the-Union talk a week earlier and had committed to a) spending more time together as husband/wife; b) exploring our sexuality with other people, albeit slowly. Since we had 'renewed' our sexual commitment the week before, I now wanted for each of us to no longer hold back anything sexual from each other; I wanted her to know all my undisclosed kinks and I wanted her to finally be able to share with me all her sexual cravings, her dark side. (A few months ago, she had discovered my interest in black on white interracial sex, and big black cock sex. She brought it up one morning while we were in bed playing with each other. We were both intensely aroused, stroking each other, when she whispered to me "So you like black cock sex?" I immediately knew I must have left an email account open that she had seen. Our orgasms were intense that morning as I told her how I wanted to share her with a black man and what turned me on by black men/white wives. It felt good to have that out in the open even though she doesn't share the same level of enthusiasm for BBC/Interracial as I do). It was that same reasoning for telling her today - full disclosure and sexual transparency. I don't know - I think in the bigger picture of our marriage, it will turn out to have been good for both of us to have shared our infidelities with each other, although it's caused some short term turmoil. It seems to have brought out some emotional vulnerability in both of us, there certainly seems to be more honest and open communication, especially sexually between us since. It's nice to hear her bring up something sexual and give her opinion or be candid with me about her feelings without being uptight about it. It's a nice change. The key will be to make it last for more than just a few weeks or months.

I left for work today at 2pm, We were both still in the middle of processing everything we had both confessed to each other just a hour or so earlier. It would have been better for us to have kept at it, talking it out and expressing our feeling. But I had to go to work.

A couple hours later, at work, I got the text message: "You didn't do anything with any of my friends, did you?" followed immediately by the message " 'M' for example?"

'M' is a married friend of ours, more my wife's friend really. She is an extremely attractive auburn brunette in her mid to late 30's whom I have been sexually attracted to since meeting her ten or so years ago. A few months back, while getting my hair cut by her, the conversation drifted from a recent all-girls trip of hers to Las Vegas, to flirting while out with the girls, to playing on the side - the "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" axiom. I asked her if she ever played on the side and she said that while she has been tempted on occasion, she had never followed through. She asked me if I played on the side and I told her I did and explained the agreement I had with my wife, wherein, I could sleep with other women as long as she did not know about it and it didn't detract from our marriage or family.

I remembered from prior conversations with her that her husband's libido left something to be desired for in the bedroom and I suggested to her that she deserved to have her needs taken care of. I asked her that day if she'd be interested in playing [with me] on the side and also called her late that evening to tell her how sexy and attractive I found her and to express my desire to go to bed with her. She called me the next morning to tell me, that while she was attracted to me, she did not want to jeopardize her friendship with my wife by playing within a circle of friends. I've pretty much left it at that except for the occasional sexual comment when I've seen her. Since then, though, I have become very curious about her sexually and often wondered - Is she shaved or waxed? How often does she masturbate? What does she fantasize about and what kind of sex does she enjoy or crave? Does she enjoy nasty talk? Like sucking cock?

I called my wife later tonight and told her about my proposition and phone call to her friend, M. The call ended pretty quickly after that, with her in tears and in hindsight I know that this was a conversation that would have been best had in person, eye-to-eye and not by phone wherein there would be an eight-hour delay before we'd be face-to-face again. The effects of our early separation that afternoon were apparent when I came home early that next morning at 3am. She had either been up all night or unable to sleep well and had obviously been crying for part of or most of the night. It was an emotional conversation, her feeling hurt, I assume, most by my having attempted to bed her friend and me angrily snapping back at her about how hurt I felt about her affair, about her inviting another man into our house to fuck her while I was at work.

I told her how I had felt all that day at work about her having an affair and taking a lover... how I was unable to focus my mind at all while at work, unable to think straight, the anger, the hurt, as well as the erotic feelings of arousal running concurrently in my mind.

We talked more about everything that had been said over the last 24-hours and talked about my desire to be with M. We made love as we continued to talk, me sharing how I wanted M to join us in bed and the things I wanted to do to her. I know she was hurt by what I had told her I had done, but I get this sense as we continue to talk about her friend, there is some arousal on her part, despite the fact that she has said she does not want to watch me to fuck her.

26th, Sunday, A mixed bag today. Had our early morning talk I mentioned above, followed by sex. Just before leaving for work, I go to the computer and while checking emails, discover that she had been Googling her ex-boyfriend while I was at work that prior evening. I was trying to get out the door as I was running late for work so I could not spend much time discussing how angry and hurt I was to discover this. She said she did not actually contact him, but was just trying to seek out a friend who she knew cared about her. Whatever. I felt disappointed and angry, more hurt, I suppose. I expressed those feelings, she apologized, said she would not do it again and I walked out feeling irritated that we had to leave another important conversation unfinished because I had to leave for work.

We texted back and forth while I was at work, continued working things out as best two people can via texting. We began discussing our plans to experiment sexually during which my wife's fears came out:

"It is arousing, exciting, a bit scary, but u will take care of me, take care of my fears, doubts, and love me"

"...I will do my best to separate sex/love..."

"...I am threatened though, what if her pussy is tighter than mine, she sucks better than me. If u want someone else then u want me less. I'm not enough. Hard for me to separate cuz I love u"

"You don't express any fear or worry, so I don't think u have any"

"You have always been more confident, I more needy"

"I always want u to be proud of me and to respect me. I don't want u to think of me as trashy"

Slowly, the text messages got sexual, especially as she started looking at erotic photos & videos:

"...can I cum for u when the kids are in bed and I am alone with nothing to do?"

"When I am alone I am going to use my hands, possibly a dildo. Maybe go watch something on the computer and cum with u on my mind"

"Reading what a HOTWIFE is"

"I really want some nipple rings..."

"U'd b pleased, my pussy is wet. U could slide in easily"

"...I like the spreader bar thing...Been thinking about making my own nipple jewelry to slip on my nipples and tighten the string"

"I see a picture of what I think of. Girl is laying back on her husband while he holds her and watches. I assume he will play with her breasts and kiss her as she is eaten"

"Yes, man or woman. Want to lay in your lap & u play with my breasts and watch her/his tongue and hands inside me"

"Is that how you want me or is there a picture I should look for?"

"...really want to suck u"

"Fisting and [being with] more than one person"
Answer to which photos or videos turn her on most.

"I like girls because I imagine it could be me looking like that"

"Watching a spanking movie. You do a much better job on me"

"I want u to watch and tell them what u want done"

"I see a girl in a collar"

"Have we always had this little black dildo that I just slid in my pussy?"

This series of text messages lead to my phone call to her from work, where she brought herself to orgasm twice as she described how she was riding the large dildo. (see 11/27/06 blogs)

She told me to make sure to wake her when I got home at 3:00am which I did when I reached down between her legs to find her still slippery and soaking wet pussy. We had an intensely lusty fuck, reliving the events of earlier in the evening

27th, Monday

"I am so turned on by u this week. I have felt how much u want and I luv me..."

28th, Tuesday, Needing It. I awoke this morning at 5:00am to find her fondling my cock and wanting to fuck. I am normally the one initiating sex with her, and it was a turn-on to see her taking the initiative by waking me from my sleep. I fucked her deeply as she pulled her ass apart, spreading her pussy, legs up in the air. It felt good to be buried balls deep inside her giving her a hard pounding. Very lusty, very nasty.

"...this morning I was so hot for u"

One hour after receiving this message, she came home from work for lunch and preceded to strip, sucked me for a while, before she impaled herself and ride my cock as as I sat on the couch playing with her breasts. She loves it when I press her breasts together and suck both of her nipples into my mouth at the same time and the best time for it is when she is riding me cowgirl. She was so incredibly hot today as we fucked. Panting, gasping and deep gutteral moans all came from her mouth as she bounced up and down. She dismounted, turned around facing away from me and again impaled her pussy on my cock and started pistoning her hips/pussy up and down my cock. It is one of my favorite views, seeing her thick rear bouncing up and down, her wide hips flared and thrusting downward forcefully. I love seeing my cock disappear into her pussy and seeing her hand reaching down between her legs playing with her hard clit as she rides me. It was intense. I finally pulled her back against me so that she was laying back on top of me, my cock remaining inside her pussy. She rode me this way, bending at the knees and pushing herself up & down on my cock as I reached down with one hand to play with her pussy and reached up with the other to squeeze and play with her breast. She came in this position as we kissed deeply. She wasn't done though and I was surprised to see her immediately spread herself on the couch and start masturbating again, rubbing her clit as she looked me in the eye. I knelt down and proceeded to suck and lick her soaking wet pussy until she came for the second time.

She was late getting back to work today.

"...I liked how it tasted & it was quite pleasurable in other ways as well"

29th, Wednesday, Dressing sexy. I enjoy it when my wife dresses up sexily when we're out together. I like her to show herself off, exposing a little skin, some leg, lots of cleavage. I love seeing her breasts sway under her blouses or tops whenever she's braless. I've always encouraged her to dress provocatively and even enjoy taking her out shopping to specifically find sexy clothing. Lately, she's really been making an effort to dress more more sexily and overall nicer and I'm not the only one whose been noticing.

"Had several comments on how great & sexy I look"

We squeezed in a very hot fuck this afternoon after she got home from work around 12:30pm. I took her from behind, face down in the bed, with her ass stuck high up in the air. I straddled her ass and fucked down deep into her. A very energetic fuck. We both enjoy all the sounds of sex and we got off on both the slapping sounds of my balls hitting her ass as well as the wet, squishing, suction sounds of my cock fucking her pussy. She looked so sexy face down, holding onto the bedframe with both hands, pushing back against me, grinding, and raising her bottom as high up as she could, offering herself to me. Several times, she reached back with both hands to pull her ass apart, spreading herself even more for me. I alternated between fucking her deep and hard, and sucking and licking her pussy & ass - she was soaked. Our orgasms were intense.

When we fucked again later that night, I got out the digital voice recorder and recorded us as we played and fucked. Maybe, if I can ever figure it out, I'll post or upload the sound file to this blog.

30th, Thursday, We had a nice early morning fuck today. Still very hot, lots of hot talk from both of us about her being shared with others.

"Still several comments today on how great I look"

1st, Friday, Share me. Talked today together while playing in bed. She brought up again how she wants to be shared online. She loves the thought of having sexy photos of her posted on the web for strangers to see and then crave her body. Nothing that shows her face, of course, but her pussy, ass, breasts and body all OK with her. I belong to a bunch of adult Yahoo groups and will be posting her photos and sharing her as she wants.

She also asked me to find a woman for her. I asked her what type of woman she wanted: 30-40's, brunette, larger breasts, not too skinny, smooth waxed or shaved pussy, tanned or tan lines, manicured nails, feminine, sexy...and definitely experienced with other women but able to take direction from me. She wants me to tell this woman what I want her to do to my wife. My wife enjoys being submissive in bed with me, enjoys me taking charge, controlling her, controlling her pussy and body. She wants to experience another woman's bare pussy rubbing and grinding against hers, being fisted by another woman (I haven't been able to fit my whole hand inside her, a woman's smaller hand should be able to slide in easier), and of course she wants to have a sexy woman lick and suck her pussy. I'd like to watch her get fucked by a woman wearing a strap on.

2nd, Saturday, Recovery Day. This was the first day since November 18th that we didn't have sex at least once during a 24-hour period.

4th, Monday, Video night. Received the following text message from her at around 10pm:

"...what does MILF mean"

I asked her what she was doing. The kids were asleep, she had gotten out our portable DVD player, brought it to bed and was watching some videos I had burned onto CD's. She was watching one from the MILF series. I explained that a MILF was short for 'Mother I'd Like to Fuck'. She described to me what she was watching:

"I am getting wet, yes, wish u were here"

"She's putting plug in like the one I have. Nice"

Monday, November 27, 2006

Be Careful What You Ask For - Still Day 1

When my wife answered the phone I asked her where she was and what she was wearing. She had been at the computer for the last few hours looking at my collection of xxx photos and video clips. An earlier text message to me telling me "You'd be pleased, my pussy is wet. You could slide in easily" and other messages about what she was seeing on the screen and how she liked particular activities had gotten me hard. It had been 2.5 hours since she had texted me saying that she was online reading what a Hotwife was from a saved bookmark of mine on the computer and

She had been looking at all the hot, nasty photos I had stored on the computer, watched sexy videos and her pussy was slippery and wet. She had texted that she wanted to cum for me after she got the kids to sleep and when she answered the phone, she was ready. She was wearing just a short nightie, sitting in the chair with her legs spread "as wide as can be", with that small black dildo inside her pussy as she looked at my hot videos and pics. She loves to be stretched and filled with large objects so I told her to get our thick flesh-colored dildo - it measures about 7" and about 5"-6" around - and put it in her pussy. I listened as she told me how she was placing it on the chair and impaling herself on our thick substitute cock. When she was stuffed full, I told her I wanted her to push down to get the dildo deep into her pussy. I had her grind and press her ass and pussy down into the chair to force it in and around her slippery hole. She started to touch and play with her clit as we talked and she came with a nice grunt and groan. Surprisingly for me though, instead of being finished, she immediately went back to touching her clit and brought herself to a second orgasm. Surprisingly I say, because she is generally not multi-orgasmic in this way. The vision of her being so aroused that she would immediately want to make herself cum again had me so turned on. Unfortunately, I had to get back upstairs to work.

It had been exactly one week since we had our latest State-of-the-Union talk. I once again detailed my frustration with how often we had sex and the lack of progress we were making in having others join us in bed. I had always wanted to see her with another man since before we married, which she knew about. But while she could get extremely aroused by the thought or fantasy of it as I detailed it to her during my dirty talk as we fucked, she could never commit to taking the final step to making it a reality for us. Still in love with her, wanting to continue to be married and wanting to make forward progress, I suggested we commit to 1-2 days per month where we would go out for specifically sex-related fun. I made a list of things I wanted us to experience together, from rather tame things like xxx movie night or xxx story reading/masturbation night to more edgier experiences like having her fucked by a very well hung athletic black man/men or going into a bar separately with me watching as men try to pick her up and fuck her. Sex during the week was very passionate and lusty - I don't think we missed a day. Then came the next Saturday...

It was morning and we were lounging in bed, touching each other as we talked about our renewed commitment to each other, our sex life and to her being shared. I was talking dirty to her as we were playing, mentioning a local woman who had contacted us a few months back who was bisexual and looking for a female lover to play with during the daytime hours. In the heat of the moment, I told my wife that she had a very tight pussy and that the reason I knew was that I had fucked this woman.......everything came to a grinding halt and I immediately regretted having said those words to my wife. What ensued was a number of emotional admissions and confessions from each of us. For my part, I admitted to having slept with 10-15 women during the course of our 20-year relationship, which includes the dating time prior to being married. Purely sexual, none of them containing the smallest bit of emotional attachment. She was unhappy about this. Unhappy despite my reminder that she had green-lighted me on being able to pursue outside partners many years ago. Despite her recollection of this, she simply didn't think I would sleep with any other women. And I, frankly, would have bet the farm that the same held true for her - that she had never slept with another man during our marriage. I was wrong...

I asked her if she had ever slept with another man or had an affair, confident of what her answer would be. When she answered "Yes", I remember smiling inwardly as I told myself that her reply was a reflex answer, defensively spoken to counter my admission to make me feel badly, but untrue nonetheless. When she spoke his name, I knew I was mistaken.

She told me it was 13-years ago during a time when she says we were having troubles. She admitted that the affair had lasted six months. Her lover was a co-worker, her boss if I recall correctly. I had met him a number of times and even been to his home for a party. He was an attractive man...and married. She told me how it all started one afternoon when she went out for drinks with some of her co-workers and after everyone left except for he and my wife, he leaned forward and kissed her...she told me that she responded, kissing him back. She didn't fuck him that afternoon, but she knew that it only a matter of time. Her affair was consummated one afternoon while I was at work, 10 miles away, when he gave her a ride home and she invited him up to our home. That afternoon, another man fucked my wife in my very bed. She told me that she knew when she invited him up the stairs that day, that she would soon be spread wide on our bed with him fucking her. Sometimes they went to his house and sometimes to ours. He liked eating her pussy, fucking her in numerous positions, and she liked sucking his cock. Her lover came in her mouth and she swallowed his cum. He always fucked her bareback, but as she tells me, he always pulled out when he came, shooting his cum all over her ass, stomach, pussy or breasts.

It is very difficult for me to begin to describe the feelings that her admission stirred up in me. Difficult for me because her affair was not simply sexual, but an affair of the heart - one that included emotions between him and her. Sex I could deal with....or deal with easier. Emotional attachment or feelings, NO. Difficult because, although I was initially turned on by the idea that my conservative wife would do something so uncharacteristic, so taboo (or so I thought), it was still emotional betrayal in the end. Difficult because I knew who her lover was and I could visualize very well the two of them sneaking to our home, and him giving her the deep, hard, pounding with his cock that I know she enjoys - I could hear all of the sounds she makes when we fuck...the panting, the gasping, grunting, the few dirty words she would utter in the heat of passion, urging him to fuck her harder, the familiar sound of our bed springs creaking and the banging headboard, increasing in tempo as he fucked her faster and harder. The most vivid images are my wifes facial expressions - the look of pleasure she would have, the lustful glazed over eyes she gets, that sexually desperate look she gets when she's intensely aroused...the look of craving. All this I can see crystal clear in my mind...All at the hands, fingers, tongue, body and cock of another man.

My wife wasn't done. She followed with another admission. This time just 6-years ago she says, with her old high school boyfriend, her first lover. This indiscretion also started in a bar over drinks with friends. It ended up in the back seat of a car, I'm not sure if it was our car or his, with my wife and him crawling into the back seat where they fooled around, my wife taking out his cock and jacking him off as they kissed and he felt her up. She told me she didn't suck his cock, or fuck him there in the backseat, but she says she did cum herself sliding and rubbing her pussy against his leg. Again, she said this happened at a time when she says we were having problems, although I don't have any specific recollection about them. I asked her how far this went with her old boyfriend and was told that beyond emailing back and forth with him erotic/sexy emails for a month or so, she never followed through with another illicit meeting, backseat of a car or elsewhere. She didn't remember specifics of her emails, other than recalling telling him that she was 'wet' in one email. I hadn't yet met her old boyfriend, but I recall that I soon would, as I accompanied my wife to a high school reunion soon thereafter.

I'm bothered by this, on both accounts. Bothered that here were two men whom I knew, albeit only casually in the case of her boss/lover and in the case of her ex boyfriend, whom I would be introduced to within months of her indiscretion - both of whom had carnal knowledge of my wife, yet would look me in the eye, shake my hand and smile at me as if nothing were amiss. All with my wife's silent complicity as she introduced me or stood next to me and her boss as we chatted. To be played the fool in both instances. This is what hurts.

My feelings of betrayal and hurt coalesced over the next 24-hours since I had to leave for work within an hour or so of her revalations of infidelity. Immediately after her admissions, however, I recall laying next to her asking her for all the details of her affairs - how he liked to fuck, whether or not she sucked his cock (never one of her favorite activities with us), whether he came in her mouth, whether she let him cum inside her pussy, if her liked to suck her pussy, whether she let him fuck her in the ass, how he liked to fuck, what positions, whether or not he talked dirty to her, etc... I was aroused beyond belief, hard and wanting her to describe to me how he used her pussy, breasts, mouth and wanting to know how it felt for her to be with a man other than me, her husband.
I was intensely aroused by the thought of my 'faithful' wife being unfaithful to was so taboo and so unexpected. I remember being unable to even think straight that entire first night when I went into work, my mind reeling with the mixed thoughts about my wife's cheating.

It is an odd combination of feelings to experience simultaneously - emotional betrayal - cheating - infidelity - humiliation - sadness - anger - fear - versus sexual arousal - curiosity - excitement. I am still sorting through them and it has been four days. The thoughts of her being fucked by another man in our bed - the images of her cumming loudly underneath the deep thrusting of another man's cock pop into my head daily and often, bringing that mix of conflicting emotions each time. Yesterday, I imagined meeting her boss/lover sometime again in the future and cold-cocking him as he reached out to shake my hand, dropping him to the ground then just walking away without saying a word. I suppose I am still hurting.

Would I be interested in ever seeing either of her lovers again or even proactively confronting them? Probably not. This was 13 and 6 years ago. I'll keep the cold-cocking option open though for her boss.

As a little aside and to her credit, I suppose, my wife did tell me that she did tell her boss/lover that I was interested in watching her be fucked by another man, he declined her offer.

Off to a Good Start - Day 1

The last text message she sent to my cell phone as I sat at work last night was: "Have we always had this little black dildo that I just slid into my pussy?" I couldn't stand it anymore. I got up to take a break, making my way down to the hopefully unoccupied exercise room downstairs for a little privacy and to call my wife...

When I originally conceived the idea of starting my own blog, I intended for it to be a chronicle of my sex life with my wife or better put, my frustration with the sexual side of our marriage. I wasn't really intending for it to be shared or read by anyone but me or anything other than a personal online diary of my feelings, desires, and thoughts on years of frustration on my part and possibly on my wife's part as well. Events of the past week and most importantly, the past 24 hours have altered the title and topic of this, my first, blog.

We had just come off of one our State-of-the-Union talks that we seem to have about twice a year, every year during our 16-year marriage. The talks are normally preceded by a week or two of tension, lack of communication and brooding (always, it seems on my part), before it comes to a head and almost always it is my wife that suggests that we sit down and actually use words to clear the air. The problems leading up to our talk last Saturday were the same as usual for me - a missing sex life including a lack of willingness on her part to explore and experiment being with others, a lack of physical affection (touching, caressing, hugging, holding, kissing, etc...), our general lack of things in common and, probably most important to me - my feeling that she was not 'in love' we me any longer. (I remember characterizing the love I felt she had for me as the same love one would have for an piece of old piece of furniture or a pet that'd been around forever - the kind of 'default-love' you develop simply by being around someone/something for 20-years). As is my M.O., it was a week of the 'silent-treatment' from me and then another week of not making the time to sit and talk things out after she first suggested it.

Most of our semi-annual talks are civil, allowing both of us to vent, air out our frustrations with each other, reevaluate our marriage goals, create hope, and refocus each of us so that we can trudge forward for the next six months or so...until we meet again. I will say, that most of our sessions finish with some of the best sex - very passionate 'make-up' fucking - the result, I'm sure, of having had our emotions and vulnerability so exposed to each other.

This time around, however, as I sulked around for two weeks, I actually had thoughts of life without my wife - of being separated or divorced from her. The word had come into a few of our discussions over the years but, for my part, I had never really given it any serious thought. What I realized was that I couldn't conceive of being apart from my wife, of not being married to her. I love her dearly. She populates my thoughts. Actually, I discovered this about 2-years ago, perhaps not so coincidentally after a career change during which I closed a business I had started and run for the last 20-years. I found, then, that I am really in love with her, more so I'd say than at anytime during our dating time or marriage. I have felt like this for two years now. I want to make her happy, I want to make her laugh, I want to make her feel secure, I want her to feel loved...I adore her.