Monday, November 27, 2006

Off to a Good Start - Day 1

The last text message she sent to my cell phone as I sat at work last night was: "Have we always had this little black dildo that I just slid into my pussy?" I couldn't stand it anymore. I got up to take a break, making my way down to the hopefully unoccupied exercise room downstairs for a little privacy and to call my wife...

When I originally conceived the idea of starting my own blog, I intended for it to be a chronicle of my sex life with my wife or better put, my frustration with the sexual side of our marriage. I wasn't really intending for it to be shared or read by anyone but me or anything other than a personal online diary of my feelings, desires, and thoughts on years of frustration on my part and possibly on my wife's part as well. Events of the past week and most importantly, the past 24 hours have altered the title and topic of this, my first, blog.

We had just come off of one our State-of-the-Union talks that we seem to have about twice a year, every year during our 16-year marriage. The talks are normally preceded by a week or two of tension, lack of communication and brooding (always, it seems on my part), before it comes to a head and almost always it is my wife that suggests that we sit down and actually use words to clear the air. The problems leading up to our talk last Saturday were the same as usual for me - a missing sex life including a lack of willingness on her part to explore and experiment being with others, a lack of physical affection (touching, caressing, hugging, holding, kissing, etc...), our general lack of things in common and, probably most important to me - my feeling that she was not 'in love' we me any longer. (I remember characterizing the love I felt she had for me as the same love one would have for an piece of old piece of furniture or a pet that'd been around forever - the kind of 'default-love' you develop simply by being around someone/something for 20-years). As is my M.O., it was a week of the 'silent-treatment' from me and then another week of not making the time to sit and talk things out after she first suggested it.

Most of our semi-annual talks are civil, allowing both of us to vent, air out our frustrations with each other, reevaluate our marriage goals, create hope, and refocus each of us so that we can trudge forward for the next six months or so...until we meet again. I will say, that most of our sessions finish with some of the best sex - very passionate 'make-up' fucking - the result, I'm sure, of having had our emotions and vulnerability so exposed to each other.

This time around, however, as I sulked around for two weeks, I actually had thoughts of life without my wife - of being separated or divorced from her. The word had come into a few of our discussions over the years but, for my part, I had never really given it any serious thought. What I realized was that I couldn't conceive of being apart from my wife, of not being married to her. I love her dearly. She populates my thoughts. Actually, I discovered this about 2-years ago, perhaps not so coincidentally after a career change during which I closed a business I had started and run for the last 20-years. I found, then, that I am really in love with her, more so I'd say than at anytime during our dating time or marriage. I have felt like this for two years now. I want to make her happy, I want to make her laugh, I want to make her feel secure, I want her to feel loved...I adore her.

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