A Rough Night

7 January, Sunday 0530am - A rough night for me. As I told my wife a week ago on datenight, I often think about her unfaithfulness, about her having been with other men sexually since we've been together. Although two of them were when we were just dating, I still think of them as well. I suppose what (still) hurts me most is the accompanying emotional connection that she had with them (at least the 2 that she was with while we were married), the fact that she sought emotional as well as sexual solace/connection with them. I had been thinking about it all night long at work.

I don't purposely attempt to dwell on it, but from time to time the thoughts creep in and are difficult to shake. Past images of my wife - her soon-to-be lover leaning forward to kiss her at the bar, the beginning of her affair; of her making plans with her lover for him to come home with her or for her to go to his house to fuck after work; my wife climbing into the back seat of the car with her ex-boyfriend and crawling on top of him as she grinds her pussy against his leg.

It's the premeditation, the sneaking, the planning of her trysts, the deception - looking me in the eye as if nothing was wrong, the possibility of me having talked to her on the phone just as she was leaving work to get fucked and her knowing this the entire time as she spoke to me, or being greeted by her as I came home from work as if nothing were amiss despite her lover having cum inside or on her pussy not much more than an hour earlier.

The other two men happened when we were just dating, but we were dating. One was someone who was in a karate class she was taking at the time. She didn't know him that well, by her own admission, but the image of her following him into his house knowing she was going to be fucked still bothers me. I actually remember the time around when this happened - we were dating and I guess things were not going well with us, because we made a specific date to go out to dinner to talk about things. After we ordered, she proceeded to tell me that she was falling in love with this 'karate guy'. I will never forget the feeling I felt when I heard those words. I was devastated. She told me it was because he paid attention to her. I was obviously upset and wanted to leave immediately. Our food arrived and I paid the bill, we got up and walked out leaving the food untouched. I don't remember exactly what happened afterwards, but obviously we worked things out. It is only now, many years later, that I realize that she had most likely already fucked him by the time of that conversation. Ow. She told me that it was only once, but it still hurts.

The same goes for her only black lover, whom she also slept with as we were dating. A friend of hers from high school , I can visualize her showing up at his house with the expectation and knowledge that he would soon be mounting her and shoving his black cock inside her pussy. She says she went over to fuck him a 'few times'. I don't know what a 'few times' means really.

She and I have talked about this a few times since she disclosed all this to me in November. Each time she has told me they were all a long time ago and that I should forget about them - but I can't - for me these indiscretions are only little over a month old and still very fresh in my mind. She reassures me that she chose me in the end (and presumably I should be happy), but I sometimes still hurt from what she's done. Hurt AND oddly aroused by it - imagining her being fucked and pleasured by another man while we were together and without my knowledge - taboo and out of character for her (or so I thought). I am most turned on by this thought: that something I had considered to be so 'unlike her' - cheating on her husband - she has done...to me. Three of these men were on 'my watch' - not a happy thought.

This is the same thing that fascinates me about people in general - their outward persona and appearance versus their hidden personality, their sexual dark side. It seems that we never really know people, not even our spouses...not really.